Rip Out My Vocal Cords and Save Me

Going Down

Would you let your guard down?

Monster Screams Suicide

New poem

Love Game

When you fall

You'll loose it all.

Your heart will go

and follow the flow

Towards the guy

That caught your eye.

He will keep you there

He'll show he cares.

When time is gone

You may carry on.

But your heart will

Never fully fill

back to the amount

you loved him, to the point your heart lost count

of the beats, it beat

for him all these months and weeks

After all you still did fall

You answered the call

With your heart

and gave it to him from the start

Don't ever forget

The love you get

One day it may die

Or your souls will fly

But in the end

Your heart will tend

To betray you

Show your love in all you do

If you try to hide

We know you cried

Cause in this love game

Your life will never be the same.

.

When all I see
blends to be
a collage of faces
yours, appearing in many places.

Won't it contradict
what I've learnt to forget
Even just little bit
My life looses it affect.

When all I see is you
I know the end has approached
and with every step on que
my pleas to stay are revoked.

Even though our love is gone
I know this much is true
I want you to be happy, to move on
with someone new.

Ignore the sound
of my heart breaking,
my body hitting the ground
let me cry, I'll be okay, with these smiles I'm faking.

I'll save myself
I won't do much harm
My hearts not a trophy, you put on your shelf
my heart breaks apparent, but no need for alarm.

It still haunts all these places
Oh this lovely collage of faces.

Okay, so school dances Can be awesome.

My school's Monster Mash Dance was fun, exciting and filled with WAY too many girls dressed up as playboy bunnies. I mean 10-15 out of every 30-35 girls were playboy bunnies. I mean bunny overload. Hardly any of the awesome people showed up, lots of my friends ended up not being able to go.

My friend, Zach told me that my other friend, Garland liked me. I mean okay, but he's seriously creepy and if it wasn't for the fact that I'm afraid him or one of our other friends will hurt me if I'm not his friend, well than I'd more than likely not be his friend.

My friend Angie went on a blushing overload thanks to her having a major crush on one of our friends, Daniel, and he danced with us almost the whole time. My other friend Kim had a shy attack thanks to Stayner and us forcing her to dance with him.. her crush. I kept making mad dashes away from my one friend during slow songs/ akward conversations/questions.

Me and my friends had alot of fun. Miaondra joined us and danced for some songs. We joined Kat, Nicky, Jessie, Jessie (diff.1), Heather, Genelle, Iris, Fiona, Emily and Emillie for other songs. We joined alot of people I don't even know but are super nice.

My wings were attacked by strangers, and well also my friends. My other guy friend was over protective of my wings though.

???   

The songs were okay except for one.

Gimme More -Brittney Spears.

All In all i loved the dance, made even more friends and laughed my ass off.

Life lesson learned: Don't wear high heels to school dance.

Reason: They kill my feet.

Question regarding Life Lesson: Then whats my excuse to get out of dancing with him other than that my feet are killing me and I'm gonna sit out that song???

<b><u>Costume time</b></u>

<u>Me:</u>   <b>Half Angel, Half Devil</b> 
not me just costume. plus black tights and these shoes:

<u>Angie:</u> <b>Gypsie</b>

<u>Kim:</u> <b>Sheriff</b>

<u>Daniel:</u> <b>Dr.Who</b>

<u>Stayner:</u> <b>Himself</b>

<u>Garland</u> <b>Himself</b>

<u>Zach</u> <b>Himself</b>, but well unlike his ussual attire for the main part... he wore a hat (he almost never does) and diffrent jacket. 

<u>Miaondra:</u> <b>herself</b>

<u>Kat:</u><b>Dolly Parton</b>

Today I must've been cursed with bad luck, within 20 minutes I had become afraid of a specific ladder and anything with an edge in our telecommunications broadcasting room.

I had a box of THUMB TACKS fall at me from the top of the ladder thanks to my friend Mia, a HAMMER fell and hit me thanks to my friend Heather,Mia almost fell on me from the top of the ladder (she luckily didn't fall.). And lastly Mia ended up kicking me in the head accidentally.

Akso before that block, at lunch, I was chased around the school by my friend Zach cause he wanted my sunglasses but I didn't wanna give them to him for like 20-30 minutes, so we were kinda being weird. Unlucky for me, he's strong, bigger than me, and I was in high heels. He gave up when I finally got past him. I never gave up my sunglasses. yay.

yay I'm really exited. I'm weird, hyper and I love dying my hair.

Anyways... Today I'm redying my hair. I'm so excited right now as I said earlier.

anyways todays the last day of my black and blonde hair, which I last dyed like forever ago.

Its going to be black and red, yay. I know not too much diffrent but there my top 2 fav colours, so I'm happy.

I was going to dye my hair black and turquoize but decided against it considering its really close to my eye colour and all, and red and black would match my clothing better. anyways I also had considered, black and orange (thanks to my love of halloween), black and pink and black and green. I ended up deciding on my first thought red and black.

yeah I'm over excited.

love ya,

Nicole

My Chemical Romance Grow Up  As Way Turns 30

My Chemical Romance have admitted they're thinking of dropping classic tracks like "I'm Not Ok" from their live sets....

...Frontman Gerard Way says he feels songs like that don't represent themsleves, or where the band is.

He says turning 30 has make him think about things differently, and that he prefers "peace and quiet now"

Even the lyrics to their current single "Teenagers" says "Teenagers scare the living S*** out of me" Go figure ...

<a href="http://www.kerrangradio.co.uk/Article.asp?id=438604&spid">site I got that from</a>

yeah no that better not be happening if they drop songs like I'm Not Okay from their live sets the world will go to shit. I am not joking. Okay maybe it won't but It would royally suck if they did, I mean common that song has kept me saine countless time.

Shit as they said classic yeah and it is a prized and important song.

It makes my heart hurt thinking about it, I am not joking it hurts. That can not be good.

 Please My Chemical Romance Do Not Do This!!!

Please at least for the fans who don't eat anything all day because they can't bring themselves to do so because their too wound up and exited to slow down to eat and do something doesn't have to do with My Chemical Romance.

For the fans who's lives you've saved, with those/that song. you've probably saved mine.

 you HAVE saved my life.

For the fans who'll do anything to see you live.

who'll cry if they missone of your shows that are remotely close to them

The ones who cry after they see you live, just because its over and they'll have to wait to hopefully see you again.

Keep performing the song, even if its just going to change/save one more life.

 I think thats enough of a reason why.

 or simply because your fans knowing we're not alone, we're not the only ones that are screwed up, it makes or lives better.  

 Or the fact that it can lighten even the worst of times.

 What if you knew that that song can save millions.

 what about saving people from going down suicidal paths.

 You saved me, more than once. With one song alone.

 I'm not Okay, Live,literally took me out of the path towards suicide and  literally made me realise it WAS/IS possible to live. Even with my life like this.

 Don't give up on any of your songs, their ALL worth being played live.

Fuck your songs, save lives. Exspecially when their played live.

I'm Not Okay, When you played it erased all my thoughts that had been taking me down the path of suicide, it helped me go back to school and face hell again. It helped me to start to get over my past, though I can never forget it. Though I never want to, it is what made My Chemical Romance mean so much to me and that is important.

You've saved lives, save morekeep playing those songs live.

Your are one ok maybe 2-ish things of what, 10 things I live for. And thats because you saved me, you say something worth listening to, and your a-fucking-mazing.

I don't think my heart should hurt this much. But Obviously every ounce of hurt is worth it, because I just can't stand the thought of it.

I tell my friend lanna almost evertything and I today when i read that she was the firsst one I talked to, I flipped at her and I told her my evil lil plan on how to chancge it.
I'm a nice person with mostly nice intensions.

So when I say something along the lines of:

trust me I WOULD hunt him down shove this down his throat and knock some sense into him, hopefully not hurting him too much. When I'm done he'll be thanking me for doing so.

But truly i'm not quite so evil. I would never do so. not so harshly at least.
but I cn start scarring people when i add :
you know I'm not afraid to do so, and I am capable of doing so even if he IS my IDOL.
It just gives me all the more reason too.

But I never mean it, I can scare people, though I ussually won't use it to my advantage and I couldn't do something like that to Gerard or any others from My Chemical Romance.

I am really disappointed but I think I'll live.

Though this isn't a good sign.:

calming down, still feel light headed, still feeling the urge to shove sense down Gerard's throat until he realises he's better off WITH that awesomely a-fuking-mazing song/s.
But I'm not hyperventilating, not quite so dizy, and my heart isn't pounding quite as hard anymore.

I'm nice, I could NEVER threaten them. So alls safe and that was me panicking.

Don't fear your all safe.

Damnit don't Stop playing them live.

Follow up to my irst two rant -Homophobic people bother me:

I know school for me at least let out a long time ago/ a month or 2. But since I haven't had the time to write this I'll write it now.

Since that first day that it started it got mainly worse. There was a time where I thought it was getting at least a little better, it was. Alana dropped the whole thing or so I thought. She shut up for at least a month, although her friend Vikky just got worse.

Let me elaborate a little.

Vikky is one of those people who won't let something drop unless the issue is majorly forced aka her life or death. Well she just got worse and worse.

Let me go back to around May, March time-ish time period.

She isn't isn't ever going to be worse than Alana,  thought. She isn't going to be able to get as far under my protective barier as Alana did. She can't do the things that will make me get anywhere close to suicidal. She can't break me, she can't hurt me. I won't let her she can't make me fall, she can't break me.

Only a few of her words stuck and I don't know why they did. "Why bother? Why bother living, if this is how you are."

She was talking about everything about me, my life, how she thought I was, my taste of music, how I was/am 'emo', how I can't turn a corner without an insult, how I love being alone at lunch.

Though she was wrong, not thatr many people insult me, okay well considering our school consists of about 2,000 students and not many of them notice me.

I thought what can she do that Shaylea or Alana haven't already.

When things got worse I still beleived she couldn't be worse.

though slowly by slowly that beleif started to disolve it started to leave me.

When she thought she could hurt me by throwing those hollow solid plastic balls with holes in them, the small ones at the back of my head randomly I laughed. Though a few time I thew them back at her most times getting her in her face, thank god for a decent aim.

She then started following me, which didn't bother me (you see Shaylea[she hates me and has tried to kill me  but shes super stupid and didn't suceed] was stalker -ish and would follow me or my friend lanna home/ around.) but sitting inside my next class waiting for me, ready to attack. She looked so proud the first few times as though she could truly destroy me. She truly seemed to be giving it her all, and failing.

She was determined to break me, she said so herself.

One time I can't even remember what she saidnow but what she said then  had really stuck for the longest time, I think it was something really simular or something to wjhat shaylea had said in the past. i don't know why it affected me so much but,  along with everything else she had thrown at me, I ended up getting to my next class, Math, sat down, ppout my stuff out and ended up crying.     One of my friends, she wasn't that close a friend or anything and ussually I don't open up this much but I told her how I felt and to this day I think there are only three people who know this but the few words that came out of my mouth that period were,

" I just want to die."

Which to most people I know doesn't shock them that badly but for me to be able to admitt it when I have hardly ever been able to admitt it to myself is alot. With all I've gone through in the past that day didn't seem too bad, but all the same they were words that stuck. I've never been the type to let something get to me so much but for somereason it did. I'm not that type of person, I've been for the mostpart the strong one of my friend lanna's the only one who knows the truth, she is like one of the few people who knows whats wrong. and if I go to school looking as though I'm super depressed no one thinks diffrent because, they would question if I was smiling. Well anyways lets get back on point.

Jeff didn't know, I never told him, though he picked up on that something was wrong, and I just said the whole I'm klight headed thing as ussual, which I'm pretty sure he at least half beleived, considering I don't eat breakfast cause i fI do I feel sick but every second morning the class  was P.E., the block right before the class with Jeff, socials. I don't know if he truly beleived or not. I doubt it he didn't seem to. But as always he found a way to cheer me up, one of the reasons he's so awesome, he almost always can cheer me up/ forget whatever I was down about at least for a while. ANYWAYS.

the next time I saw Vikky, she did all she could to make the day hell, which wasn't hard to do, because I already felt like crap. She thankfully ingnored Kathleen for the most part, and picked on me. I still wanted to die but I wasn't quite so upset.

She said quite a few times how much she disliked homosexuals.

She made sure to try and use it against me.

A couple days latter maybe a week, a week and a half, two weeks., she contnusly picked on me and Kathleen, me mainly. Nearing the end of class we were packing up and we had to put stuff away and the only way to get there was to go past her, I didn't think to much of it.   Though our classroom is tiny, th ework shop is a shit load larger, and all what, 26students plus teacher in there (that might not seem like much but the space is taken up mainly by desks  and it was only designed for like 20 students plus teacher) so I was walking passed her and I was acidently nudged by another student causing nme to lightly bump it Vikky, I grummbled a sorry and went to put my stuff away. She came up to me pushed me bitched at me and walked away, I laughed. After most students had left me and Kathleen had finished packing up and started to head off, Vikky, Alana and their friend Anna followed behind us. Me and kathleen soon split ways seeing as she had gym next and the locker rooms were almost directly across from our tec. ed workshop, as soon as I was left alone Vikky came up to me in the middle of the hall and decided she would try to hurt me. She pushed me up against a locker and we ended up fighting, resulting in now my phone has a nice hole in the front phone plate. Funny thing is there were alot of people teachers included who witnessed it and no one did anything, last words she said before walking away were:

"Wanna know why no one did anything? Because you lez and a fucked up emo."

I got to math and Alana laughed as I made my way to my desk in the far back corner. When I sit down my friends are all concerened and wondering what happened. I don't like how I'm treated but  I perfer it to being excepted by everyone or being 'normal'/preppy.

I didn't get hurt the only thing hurt was my phone. I'm not on for fighting really, strange thing is I love fightig and the pain it brings but I can't stand seeing most people in pain and most times cause them pain. So I didn't fight back as much. I learnt my lesson though, my mom she was mad she was upset my phone was broken, wasn't mad,. She was the one who bought me my cell.  My Dad found out and well lets just say he wasn't quite as level headed, I ended up pushed up against the wall and him yelling at me all about how I should've fought back, how I should have punched her. then he tried to teach me how to punch. fun... not. Lets say that I didn't like going home and before I could even go upstairs to my room to put my stuff away, I was being yelled at.

The next day Jeff  offered to hurt her for me. I wouldn't let him. Kathleen tried to teach me how to punch. I can punch, people just don't know that.   

Week before May 20th/21st

Vikky continued to throw the balls at me, that didn't change. What did was my attitude. I was happy because By now there was maybe like a week left before the Virgin festival (aka I'm going to see Billy talent and My Chemical Romance with bff Lanna then the next day I'm seeing AFI [there were a ton of other bands but I cared about those bands.] so I was as exited as fuck) that week she couldn'r bring me down.

May, 23 and on

She wouldn't let it go, and I wasn't worried. I got picked on more because of my obssesion with wearing my AFI hoodie and My Chemical Romance scarf everywhere even inside when it was boiling hot.

She just continued make it more and more aparent that she hated homosexuals/'emos'.

Two and a half weeks before school ended me and Kathleen were confronted by Vikky, Alana and Anna, anna for the most part was silent, where as Vikky and Alana took it upon themselves to try to tear us down. Worst part was most of the insults were towards Kathleen directly, onnly a few towards me. Maybe they started to figure out how to break me. But it'll take alot more than that to do so.

Near to the end of the year her friend Anna's words made all that shit worth it,

"You are my idol, you can put up with that shit, go through everything else you do. and I've never seen you break. You never changed your ways and never backed down."

I guess just because their Vikky's friends doesn't necessarily mean their not nice.

Anna never did anything to try to hurt me or Kathleen, she only ever stuck up for us.

I'm not sure if I'll see them this upcoming year but even if I do, I don't care.

I have the song that has always made me feel better ever since it came out, 'I'm Not Okay (I Promise)'- My Chemical Romance.

And now I have a shitload more even.

I'm coming back and my self protective barrier is stronger than ever.

Please Read

I am soo happy,
from my relatives I got $185

my parents I got some money (included in above amount) $60,

an mp3 (hasn't arrived yet but its really nice,

Jackass the movie, it kicks ass,

a cd that i had never been able to find when i had money (I brought you my bullets, you brought me your love - mcr [though I already know most of the songs]),

Interviw with a Vampire By Anne Rice.

My Birthday rocked, one of my friends spent the night and we welcomed the day of my birthday by gooffing around all night and watching Jackass.

And then afterwards me and my parents went and visited my Grandparents (mothers side [only live grandparents I have]) and one of my uncles.

Well that was monday.

Lets expand a lil' shall we?

yes lets.

Saturday:

I had to go to this pre-camp thing so that i my group was able to set all our equiptment up and check that nothing was missing/ broken. And well, one of the adults ended up getting a gash on her forhead.

We had this like meeting thing about packing,It was extremely boring cosidering I've gone to this camp before so its nothing new.

Then me and my friend ley decided that we wanted to go to the beach sun. and have a sleepover.

So I ended up cleaning for four and a half hours straight.

Sunday:

We hung out, went to the beach at 3:20,  swam, tanned/dried off, bought something to eat, talked, swam, tanned/dried off, got a cold snack, talked, dug huge hole, swam, tanned/dried off, collected shells, talked, collected other shells, skipped 'em, went swimming, tanned/ dried off, talked decided to head back, by that time it was almost eight.

Then we came back to my place got clean went out shopping for dinner considering I'm vegan so its hard to go somewhere,-in our area- where I'm not always having the exact same thing everytime.

then we fooled around, did our makeup,dressed up, took pictures, blasted music, played around with my computer,posted pics on the awesome buzz.,WROTE ON MY DESK(I love doing that) and then before we knew it it was midnight.

Midnight (early Monday  aka my B-day):

It consited of us bouncing around and me shrieking ' it my fuckin' birthday!!'

 and Ley shreiking 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!'

Then I grabbed my tiara and as much as i hate the song 'girlfriend' I yelled 'I'm the mother fucking princess'.

Then we bounced down the stairs and I was yelling 'Its my birthday'. the I stopped to wish my parents happy anneversarry (I share my b-day with their anneversarry), They wished me happy birthday, then  me and ley bounced back up the stairs.

We went back to taking pics and singing along to Shaketramp and other worthy songs.

A couple mins later  I received my prez from my parents and shreiked in deleight about everything. My mom told me that if she had been the one to buy me a dvd she would never have gotten Jackass for me... but she had  sent my dad to buy it so he got me Jackass. I had Hugged my dad and was shreiking (I scared my poor lil' kittty).

Later we watched Jackass then around 4:35 am we went to sleep.

Monday:

I woke up at 11:24 am-ish and then woke Ley up at 11:35 am, I'm not very patient on my b-day.

Correction any day, but exspecially on my Birthday.

Then we had breakfast.

Played scrabble, Cards and This Dance Dance revoloution type game.

Got dressed, went on comp, updated my buzz., made her a buzz, went out to a late lunch lunch and dropped Ley off at her house (4:30 pm).

A Little later We went to visit my grandparents and uncle.

Forced dad into watching Jackass.

Tuesday:

I slept till 1pm then I got up went for a walk got cleaned up and ready to go out for dinner with uncle, denice,aunt and parents.

We all talked and  ate dinner. Then we went to a beach for a little, then split up and went home well, home, home, hotel.

then I've been on the comp. since. 

And now I'm also addicted to:

Cubbicles - MCR (been obsessed with for a while but never said anything)

 Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo - bloodhound gang

Yesterday feelings - The Used

Gothic Girl - The 69 Eyes ( been obsessed with for awhile but never said anyhting)

~~Full obsession list coming

If anyone cared
Then why are we
All this afraid,
Maybe this world
Isn't all we hold
It up to be.
All these
Silent tears
Unreasonable fears.

If anyone cares
This is my note
The last thing
I may ever write,
'Cause I want to
Die this very
Night.

I've suffered one
Too many times,
You say
I showed all the signs
Of lonliness, depression,
Of suicide.

You were right though
I tried to tell myself
Diffrent, oposite
I tried to beleive
I really tried
To beleive it
Would be alright
But I didn't succeed.

These are my
Last words
The ones I'll never
Take back
No matter what
I will never
be alright.

So here I lay,
Here I died,
This very night
Wanting to be
loved
But never could.
i'll never be alright.

This is my
Suicide letter
Saying that
It's better
To forget
The mess I was
Because I
Killed myself.

I will never
Take this back,
No matter how much,
I want to.

I'm not alright
I didn't want to
Die tonight
I did this
Out of fright.
But it's
Too late.
I have forever
Lost my grace.

We were having fun and everything, laughing and being the random, crazy, laughing, hyper people that we are. A. was trying to throwing food (these cherio type things from those snack mix things) into ShayShay's mouth but she kept missing and she was sat next to him at the table, we were all laughing at this. She finally got food into his mouth though and we all called including A. after a little bit this evolved from trying to throw food into someones mouth to just throwing food at people, ShayShay was the main target though. We made a mess through chips, cookies, pretzels and grapes at eachother which didn't make Lanna all too happy.

We goofed off talked, took pictures and well were not always the nicest to eachother. Sorry, ShayShay.... We all had ups and downs, well most of us did.

One person had some personal issues -that I'm not going to mention- that took some time out of the goofing. Some of us were kind of not quite the happiest around then, while others just continued fooling around after they stopped when they realised she was missing then like 4 seconds after went back to their crazyness.

ShayShay lost twentie dollars and took that pretty hard, he freaked and he looked everywhere teice. with my help.

We had this like 'faux' family that would be confussing to most.

A= Daughter of lanna

Lanna= mother of A., Dauhgter of D.

K.= Stepfather of A.

Me= Sister of Lanna, Daughter of D.

D.= mother of me and Lanna

ShayShay= Father of D.

we all were joking around about how Shay Shay molested A. at night (which is not true) and we all just were weird about that.

People kept shaking the pops and opening them. people kept buggig J. and ShayShay decided to take my cell and run away, I ended up chasing him and I kept trying to get the cell from hi which was tricky since he's taller and has longer arms and oh yeah was the one with the cell.

I got to know some people that i had never known before the party and got to see someone that i hadn't seen talked to much for a long time.

ShayShay never found his twentie.

I now know that i never want to hear the song 'we fly high' ever again, or even the wordsm "Ball in". Cuz I will kill.

And I still am obsessed with the song 'Shaketramp'.

I still can't stand Avril's newer music, I don't think that'll ever change and I don't it too.

*memo*

sorry it's been so long and this might be the lasty seeing as me and Bailey got into a fight and right now I want to kill her and she stole some of my stuff. well watever. If we don't go back to being on 'friendly terms' them I'll  get my other ,completely more awesomer, randomer, greater friend that I NEVER fight with to help me. love yo guys!  enjoy.

- Nicole

*end memo*

*RECAP*

A flying blanket named Oh Henry picked Spencer up and dropped him in a lake with swimming cookies. Bailey went and ate Oh Henry with a fork and knife and a lot of chocolate. Jade and Davey fought over who has the sexiest armpits. Jade won. A flying kitten with puppies farted a nasty fart and knocked Spencer out for a month. After Spencer woke up, Davey gave him a flying pen that kills farting flying kittens. Jade punched Davey for giving Spencer a flying pen that murders cute farting flying kittens.

Adam kissed Nicole’s cheek. Davey went out and got his pure black eyeliner. While Davey was out Nicole stole Davey’s vegan muffin. Davey threw a leaf at Jade for no reason. Jade ran to get a bucket of ice which he dumped down the front of Davey’s pants.

*END RECAP*

ff 2 1/2 hours

Davey was still horrified thet Jade dumped ice down his pants. There was no bunnies shrinking around his balls.  Brendon had broke down laughing because Davey punched a carrot, and Ryan, well he kissed a flying Panda, because Spencer's voice told him to.  Two cheezies attacked Ryan, while Jade poured soy milk down Bailey's shirt. So  Bailey attacked flying Adam Carson with meat tacos.

My Chemical Romance decided to join them all.  All of My Chemical Romance decide to tckle Nicole with flying cookies. Davey attacks Bob with Soy Water.  Smith then had to rip Davey off the vegan cupcakes. Gerard then stole the cupcakes and tried to put them down the back of Frank's shirt.

"Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears
one at a time?
An unspoken balance here,
unabridged for so many years.
That I should stare at receivers
to receive her,
isn't fair.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Your arms in mine,
anytime,
I wouldn't trade anything.
You're still my everything.
To my surprise,
before my eyes,
you arrive.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

Still breaking old habits,
you pulled the wool over me.
Now I can see everything,
remembering jinx removing.

Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't worry, I'll catch you.
Don't ever worry.

No need for reminding,
you're still all that matters to me."

- the Get Up Kids

~ I love this song it helps me feel better and less deppressed.

    19 Days after finding out Alana is homophobic I am now wishing I wasn't in her class I am wishing she never dragged my friend Kathleen into it I wish, you know what I wish I wish there was a way I could make her see that there is nothing wrong being of a diffrent orientation than straight. In these past 19 days I have been whacked, smacked, kicked, hit, pushed, tortured and haven't regreted anything from all of the shit that I have been put through because of her thinking I should die because I she came to the conclusion that I am lezbian,except for one thing.  I regret that my friend Kathleen got dragged into it just because she stopped me when I tried to attack Alana.

      Alana is one of the oddest people I have ever met, she can look me straight in the eye and tell me I should die, then two seconds later she can hug me saying, "Lets be best friends." My only response to that was to bitch at her for a least two minutes about what all is wrong with her.

       Alana has repeadetly attacked me with vaious objects. Luckily she has never attacked me with anything that could put my life in danger. Funny consider the only class we share the class she always attacks me in is oh ya Tech ed., lots of sharp objects there.

    I have put Kathleen in the middle of it all she gets picked on just about as much as I am. She doesn't show when it hurts, she just lets Alana pick at her nostop. Then later she will just go into a long I don't know what to call it, I guess it's a rant except alot more calm and level headed.  I have never meant for Alana to make it such a big deal about Kathleen.  I never meant for her to even mention Kathleen in it all.  But what should I expect with all the people squished around that table we had trouble not ending up at a corner and having no room for both of us.  She picks on us for the way she sees/hears me listen to Kathleen  when being told not to attack/ bit  back after Alana has made a comment.  Kathleen is like one of my idols she goes through alot and she still can be calm rational and seem like nothing has happened. While me on the other hand try to attack Alana well almost all the time, thanks to what I have been put through all these years. 

       Well she started off the year thinking i was straight then she now thinks I am lesbian, no matter how many times that I can't be lesbian I like Davey Havok. She thinks because I like a guy who looks like a female to her I am lesbian. Umm... he may look like a female but he is still a guy.

  how much does he look like a female in this picture?

        She can't break me into millions of peices but she can make me want to kill her. And even saying that makes me feel bad. She thinks she can break me and she probably will never think diffrently, but if she never thinks diffrently about me i am fine with that.  I have my friends, my computer and my music and that is all I need to make me feel better. I will never break but now I will always hate her. 

        Thanks to her beleif she has tried many times to break the one of my most precious belonging, my cross. Not my old cross but the cross I got for my ninth birthday,my rose quarts cross, it's not like I care about what the cross is made out of it.  I care  so much for it because it helped me remember my beleifs through constant pain and torture shaylea put me through, it helped me remember everything good and pure. It gave me the strength to pick myself up off the ground no matter what she would do, no matter what she had done.  It reminded me she may hate  me but if I just looked at how many people tried to stop her, it showed who truly cared. 

          Me and Kathleen have moved to a table away from her but the table doesn't have anymore room but now instead of being on a corner we are side by side. More comments at times, less at others.  She still can pick on us.

          In the last week she has whacked me (hard) with a metal ruler ( I didn't even flinch,she was shoked, she thought it would hurt me [ I broke out laughing when she asked if she hurt me] that is how much it hurt, not at all),too many insults to count, the millions of times she has tried to cut the long side of my hair, the many times I have had to repaint my project after her painting it, the times I have walked the 45 minutes home after school limping after her hurting my ankle( which is easy to do since I have problem with my ankles and the exessive times I have sprained them), The many times I hve almost cut my fingers with the power tools and band saws,ect. thanks to her, the times I have Vicky (her friend) try to hurt me, the many math classes with her that I have with her that I have to try to control myself from throwing something at her after her many comments and much more.

           Yes, her comments do hurt, they hurt more than her actions.  I can live with being hurt physically, i can not stand repeaded stabs at me emotionally.  My heart is damaged it was damaged long before I ever met her. It is damaged everyday I walk into school only every second day can she hurt me, but she will never damge my heart with her words to me because I won't let them I won't let them kill me slowly. Her words to Kathleen damage my heart because every nasty/ mean comment Alana makes to her is because of me. Each time it may as well be me saying them to her because it doesn't make a diffrence and that hurts inside, it hurts my heart.  Katleen is like a sister to me she is always there for me and she will stop me when I need to be stopped and ect. because of me thinking of her like a sister I can't and never will love her any other way than in a sisterly way.

              I wish she could leave Kathleen alone. Even if that means she will pick on me and torture me twice as much, it doesn't hurt me what hurts is knowing my friend is being put through what i am and she doesn't deserve it.

   To, Alana:

I never have truly meant this a day in my life before (oh except for once) but I wish you would go to hell.

 -Nicole    

Homophobic people in my opinion suck.  Their hurtful, mean and insensitive.  They can drive people to suicide. Some of the time though the homosexuals are murdered by homophobic's.  One of my close guy friends is gay and our school no matter how many rules against it their are homophobic people trying to tear tear him down.  Alana i thought she was my friend at least she said she was is homophobic, I found this out in a shocking way, that hurt Today I found something that hurt me more than my worst year of torture and you know what that was it was alana I found out she thought homosexuals should die, that emos should die. She catagorizes me under both homosexual and emo. and after what I found out today ( yesterday I should say) was beyond all hideous and self recking.  Think about it you have had had the same msn display picture for awhile and your bored of it and for  a cahange you put a picture of your friend there instead and just because of that your labeled as gay, lezbian, bisexual to say it more generally homosexual.  To Alana this is just unexceptable, to her it's a reason that they shouldn't be alive.  If there were no Gays, no lesbians and no bisexuals some of the people I care most about would be not around and probably neither would I. I wish this hurtful thing would stop I wish the world could just "be as one". I wish we could live our lives they way we want to and with who we want. Question why are the Gays, Lesbians and Bisexuals discriminated when right around us you will probably never see someone who discriminates straight people. I think the world needs to wake up and see what a bloody fucking mess we're in. I wish that everyone could live a life without discrimination. A life without hate. A life without hurt. A life that would let us be who we want to be and let us do as we please. ( I don't mean let us do anything I am still sticking to this general subject.) Jon Lenon was / is gay ( is he still alive I have no Idea) ( I think it was him) William Shakespear (spelling?) = Gay Without Homosexuals our world would be totally diffrent then it is today. Please stand up don't let the world get any worse. Please stand up for people who need you most. Stand up and make the world a better place. Each and everyone of us can make a mark.